I get e-mail, too

Early last month, PZ Myers over at Pharyngula posted a link to a survey by a radical anti-gay group (maybe it’s just a single person? I can’t tell) asking silly questions about whether the government should force companies to hire gay people, and things like that. To fill out the survey, you had to enter an e-mail address, so I put in one of my throwaway ones in the hope that I’d get some entertainment out of the things they send to their mailing list.

I was not disappointed. Here are a few samples of the rantings and delusions of Eugene Delgaudio, probable closet case and founder of a group called Public Advocate of the United States.

Despite passing Thought Control and the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the radical Homosexual Lobby is drooling for more in the new Congress.

Not sure what Thought Control is; maybe it’s something he’s talked about before. But it gets better.

I see well-known agents of the radical Homosexual Lobby everywhere.  They are huddled in dark corners scheming and plotting.  They met secretly with newly elected members of Congress in hopes of tempting them to advance their perverse agenda with campaign cash and the promise of votes.

Sounds to me like this guy may need a therapist. Might I suggest Tobias Funké?

Mr. Delgaudio is ever the master of the understatement:

And the new year brings greater threats than ever before, I am in trouble

This is a painful letter for me to write.

For the first time ever, I feel as if my pro-family supporters are letting me down.

I have prayed about this matter. I am sure that I am doing what is right.

It is our duty as decent God-believing adults to fight against the tyranny and immorality of the radical Homosexual Lobby. But many good Christian supporters aren’t coming through.

It seems a lot of people believe all our problems are solved because Nancy Pelosi is no longer Speaker of the House. And many pro-family leaders are complacent or just plain worn out, and they want to quit.
I cannot believe it! That’d be like surrendering after Pearl Harbor!

Emphasis his. He seems to have fallen on some hard times:

In fact, money is so tight here that I have had to scale back important pro-family campaigns.

Critical petition drives, grassroots lobbying campaigns and citizen outreach programs may be closed down.

And as the Radical Homosexuals have gained almost complete control in Congress, my hands are tied…

They’re so in control of everything, they’ve already legalized gay marriage and forced you to get one! No, wait…

His persecution complex continues, with what I think it’s safe to say are largely fictional threats:

I’ve faced the blinding hatred of the Radical Homosexuals.

Radical Homosexuals have distributed hate flyers giving out my address and telephone number and urging sick and disgusting calls by homosexuals to harass my family.

Newspapers even print this “Hate the Delgaudio Family” material.

I’ve received “crank” phone calls… even death threats!

Years ago, after a man in a black car was caught taking photographs of my children, I had to call in police protection for them.

One time a dead dog was left in my yard.  What kind of people would do this?

I was once even forced to send Sheila and the children into hiding for a short time.

People following you around taking photographs of your children? Let me guess – you know this because you were with them? Maybe it was an event you were holding, like one of the street theater/protest events mentioned in your Wikipedia article?

And the dead dog thing? Dude, you’re a small-time conservative lobbyist, not Jack Woltz. Not even remotely believable. But don’t let that keep you from your comic attempts to beg for money:

Sometimes, I am afraid that without your support, I too will be forced to give in to the Radical Homosexual Lobby and stop fighting against their perverted agenda.

My friends, I am tired.

My health is suffering under the strain of fighting the Radical Homosexual Lobby with limited help. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I am sick with worry.

Many nights I stay up and worry — worry about my family, worry about Public Advocate’s future, worry about the future of the American Family and morality.

I have fought on, but I desperately need your help right now. Please don’t let me down.

Last year’s fights have put my office tens of thousands of dollars over budget.

Every day, it seems, it gets harder and harder to raise the money to keep our campaigns going.

And while the Radical Homosexual Lobby is bilking the U.S. Treasury for billions of dollars, I raise every dime of my office’s budget from concerned citizens like you.

Speaking of something he called the “Gay Bill of Special Rights,” he said:

If this immoral bill passes, it will mean pro-homosexual hiring quotas in workplaces throughout the nation.  It will also make it nearly impossible for employers to deal with unsatisfactory employees who are radical homosexuals.

I have no idea what law he’s talking about, but judging from the things he compares to it, I expect it isn’t nearly as terrifying as he implies.

The real fun part is next:

I must ask you to keep the information I am about to give you confidential.

If it gets into the hands of the Homosexual Lobby, they will use it to destroy me while we are weak:

Sure thing.

My office owes $88,129.34 to Larry and other small businessmen in Virginia.

I hope you don’t think badly of me.  Some of this is now sixty days past due.  It’s not a major crisis for the small businessmen or me.  Not yet.

Who’s Larry? It’s never mentioned in the e-mail.

Who else would have exposed the truth about the “gay” agenda?

These people admit that they want to molest our children.  They admit that they want special rights that no American has.  They admit that they want to infiltrate and weaken our military’s moral fiber.  They admit that they want complete control over the national law enforcement apparatus.  They admit that they’re deviants.

That’s news to me.

And just as Jesus showed us by example and could not have stood back and done nothing at the Temple, I couldn’t stand back and do nothing in the face of the growing power of the radical Homosexual Agenda.

But now, my friend, I need to count on you.

I absolutely must raise $107,372.19 in the next 25 days to pay past bills and keep programs going.

Jesus attacked the moneychangers at the temple because

“It is written, ‘MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER’; but you are making it a ROBBERS’ DEN.”

And here we have a guy using Jesus to beg for money, and citing this passage with no sense of irony. The sad thing? In our current cultural and political climate, he probably got the money he needed.

If I am not able to raise the money, I don’t know what I will do.

I don’t know how I can keep fighting.

Without you, it will be impossible to hold off the Gay Bill of Special Rights, the Homosexual Classrooms Act or the Entry for Alien Homosexuals Bill.  Without immediate help, how can Public Advocate fight to keep children safe in school from lustful deviants?

Radical Homosexuals are gearing up to introduce a sick and disgusting agenda:

— “Gay adoption,” K-12 homosexual sex-education curricula, and special rights for homosexuals.

— The Entry for Alien Homosexuals Bill, which will allow thousands of homosexual criminals from all over the world into our country with minimal background checks.

— Massive hiring quotas for homosexuals in every government agency.

I honestly can’t help but laugh. He’s trotting out the old “homosexuals are pedophiles” line? Really? And he hates to use the actual names of bills, instead coming up with his own titles; otherwise, people might know what the hell he’s talking about and go read them for themselves.

What kind of country teaches its children that prayer is wrong and that homosexuality is just another “lifestyle?”

What kind of country funds homosexual child/adult pornography but arrests teachers who dare to bring Bibles into their classrooms?

And what kind of country funnels millions of dollars of tax money into the coffers of the Homosexual Pornography Lobby?

Not ours. Not a single thing of those is true about America.

It isn’t a nation I’m always proud of…

But it’s my country, and I love it.

I won’t allow my children to grow up in a nation where police are forced by gay “rights” laws to allow sexual predators like “Uncle Ed” Savitz and Jeffrey Dahmer to rape and murder young boys in the streets…

And I won’t stand by while pro-homosexual school teachers expose our children to “gay” filth and call it “AIDS education.”

What universe does he live in? None of this happens. Ever.

We stopped Bill Clinton’s plan to throw open our borders to AIDS-infected foreign-alien homosexuals so that they could fill up our hospitals.

Fucking really?

It gets even worse my friend.  I discovered the inner sanctum of the Radical Homosexual Conspiracy…

Oh, do tell!

Just outside of Washington, D.C., a fanatical army of sodomites has a secret warehouse where they have been generating hundreds of thousands of petitions.

This man honestly thinks he’s James fucking Bond, uncovering a vast, evil conspiracy of TEH GHEY. What a delusional tool.

The best part? I’ve got three more e-mails like this:

  • “Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie to Wed”,
  • “Everyday its something new” (talking about “Conservative Traitors” who support equal rights), and
  • “Will they ban Christians from schools entirely?” (Answer: No. But don’t let reality get in the way of your madness!)

I’ll save those for later.


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